We coined “seeded baguette” many years ago, thinking it was a badge of honor. It was cool to have a diversity in interests, an appreciation for so many things, not realizing that it is the symptom of a much bigger/darker/troubling concern.
I’ve always defined part of nerd-dom as a love of learning. Call it breadth of knowledge, master of trivia, or perhaps minion of the minutiae. This continual refocusing is fun, feels creative, but it almost guarantees that nothing will ever get done. At least not well.
Parts of my life seem to be crumbling, and if nothing else, they are showing the effects of poor maintenance. The emotional foundations of relationships were never set firmly. The walls of follow-through never sided. And the roof of maturity barely begun. I found myself in Chris Hardwick’s November 2011 Wired Magazine article.
I found that I was caught in the white-water rapids of past and future problems, too caught up in my thoughts to ask for, to reach for help – to live in the present. I found that I was quieting the voices in my head, but at the cost of others. I found that there are others who swing between depression, anxiety and anger. There are others who have an out-of-control, frantic life – not knowing how to relax and appreciate the now.
So…I’m starting the battle. Today, and everyday. With half a life to go I want to erase the “un-”s from happy, from fulfilled and any other word. And I’m starting without the influence of books, counselors, meds and what-have-you. Not because I know what to do and not because I’m looking for more to control. I realize that I’m not unique in this, in these feelings and that acknowledgement is enough fuel to get up and running.